What makes someone feel needy or clingy in a romantic relationship? Why do people become attracted to people who aren't emotionally available? What causes us to date partners who feel similar to our parents?
The answer may lie in attachment styles, which refer to how you connect and feel safe with others. Let's get into how it works.
What Is Attachment Theory?
Attachment theory focuses on the bonds between people. The original concept developed by John Bowlby primarily focused on the bonds between infants and their parents or primary caregivers.
Consider this: Babies are born completely helpless, and they rely on their primary caregiver to attune to their needs. This caregiver (usually a parent) is known as an attachment figure. If your caregiver provided a safe and loving foundation and was attuned to your needs appropriately, you likely have a secure attachment style. As an adult, that translates into feeling relatively confident and trusting in your relationships.
But if your caregiver was inconsistent, neglectful, or overly anxious, their interactions with you may have triggered a more insecure attachment style. Subsequently, you may now struggle to understand your emotions. Adult relationships may feel chaotic or unpredictable, and you might feel anxious or avoidant around others.
Understanding Adult Attachment Styles in Relationships
Attachment styles affect your ability to express your needs, rely on others, and enjoy intimate relationships. Someone with a more secure attachment style can usually speak assertively and trust that others will be there for them. Someone with a more anxious or fearful, avoidant attachment style struggles significantly more with such vulnerability.
Below are the four adult attachment styles:
Ambivalent/Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment Style
Someone with an anxious ambivalent attachment style tends to feel insecure in their relationships. They worry excessively about abandonment. This fear can trigger them to mistrust romantic partners and present as needy.
If you have an anxious attachment style, you likely:
Become attached to others very quickly (even before you fully know them)
Have low self-esteem and rely on external validation to feel accepted
Struggle with boundaries and feel anxious when someone wants more space
Avoidant Attachment Style
People with an avoidant attachment style struggle to tolerate emotional intimacy and closeness. In romantic relationships, they tend to present as aloof, distant, or even cold. They highly value independence, and close relationships may seem overwhelming.
If you have an avoidant attachment style, you likely:
Find it difficult to ask for or accept emotional support
Struggle with being vulnerable and conceal how you really feel around others
Feel uncomfortable around other people's emotions and withdraw when someone gets close
Disorganized Attachment Style
Also known as the anxious-avoidant attachment style, someone with a disorganized attachment struggles to trust and lean on others. They rotate between feeling anxious and avoidant. Subsequently, relationships often feel volatile or unsafe, and someone with this attachment style may not know how to regulate their emotions appropriately.
If you have a disorganized attachment style, you likely:
Feel confused in your romantic relationships and oscillate between extreme feelings of loving or hating your partner
Struggle with getting your needs met (which may cause you to become selfish, explosive, or abusive)
Deeply desire love but push it away once someone gets too close
Secure attachment Style
Someone with a secure attachment tends to feel comfortable with themselves, and they can generally enjoy adult romantic relationships despite the occasional ups and downs.
If you have a secure attachment style, you likely:
Recognize your own self-worth and validate your emotional needs
Enjoy the company of others (but can also enjoy time spent alone)
Practice healthy conflict management within your adult relationships
What If You Have an Insecure Attachment Style?
You're not alone! Research on attachment theory shows that about 50-60% of the population has a secure attachment style. This means 4 or 5 out of every ten people don't!
Your attachment style isn't your fault, but you can take steps to improve your personal relationships and improve how you relate to others. Here are some considerations:
Prioritize Having Stable Relationships with Securely Attached Adults
Your attachment style is not entirely static. You can change your attachment type with intention and practice. But it's important to have the right role models. You need to routinely observe and engage in healthy relationships if you want to feel safe with others.
Keep in mind that even if you want a securely-attached romantic partner, you may resist them at first. That's because healthy relationships tend to include firm boundaries and clear values. But if you've never had that kind of experience- and you're used to more chaos- it may seem unnatural and even unsettling at first.
Try Something Different
Sustainable change comes with consistently working through your attachment style. Remember that you've been rooted to behave a certain way since early childhood. Change takes time, but the more you do it, the more natural it becomes.
For example, let's say you tend to text your partner several times in a row when they're out with friends. You do this because you feel anxious and want to know what they're doing. You want that constant reassurance that you're still loved. But you also know this clingy behavior frustrates your partner.
Instead of acting in your typical way, you might instead consider texting your partner and saying something like; I hope you're having a great time! I’d appreciate it if you could text me when you're on your way home. Love you. Then, go do something else.
If this feels uncomfortable at first, that's because it is! You're changing your normal response, and everything in you may be feeling dysregulated. But you ultimately must practice sitting with that discomfort.
Build a Healthy Relationship with Yourself
Securely-attached children generally have good self-esteem. They have close relationships with their caregivers, but they also enjoy relationships with others. In comparison, insecurely-attached children tend to feel more fearful, misunderstood, or depressed. They're more likely to have a negative self-image about themselves, and that impacts their ability to have successful relationships.
As an adult, you undoubtedly carry early attachment styles with you. But you no longer need a caregiver to attune to your needs. You no longer have to rely on someone else to keep you alive and or feel healthy and cared for.
Instead, you're responsible for taking care of yourself. Practicing self-compassion, embracing more mindfulness, and engaging in healthy coping skills can help you build your self-esteem.
Seeking Professional Support For Your Attachment Patterns
We're social creatures, and healthy relationships are paramount to our emotional well-being. However, if your relationships feel overly stressful- or if you feel like you keep sabotaging yourself, therapy can help.
Through an attachment style lens, we can process the obstacles preventing healthier attachment and take the necessary steps to heal from past trauma.
We can explore the causes of your attachment style and discuss how it emerges in current relationship problems. This work often feels somewhat challenging, but many clients find that it provides an effective roadmap for healing.
It is possible to change insecure attachment styles and feel more secure in relationships. You're not doomed to toxic romance, and you can change how you connect with people.
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