You've probably heard about self-compassion, as it's become a trending buzzword in mental health. But what does it really mean? And how can you practice self-compassion if you lack confidence or feel insecure with yourself?
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Dr. Kristin Neff, a well-known psychologist, identifies three components of self-compassion: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. At its core, instead of judging yourself when you make a mistake or experience a shortcoming, you aim to avoid harsh judgment and treat yourself gently.
When you embrace self-compassion, you recognize your inner critic, take steps to self-sabotaging behavior, and embrace being a more mindful and accepting person.
Here are some tips for practicing self-compassion in everyday life:
Acknowledge That You Have Worth
Even though this self-compassion advice may sound cliched, it's challenging for many people to practice. That's because so many of us only love ourselves conditionally. I'm so bad that I ate that. I'm a loser because I didn't get that job. I don't deserve love because I'm ugly.
Believing those cruel statements assumes you need to "have" something to be worthy. But what if you could treat yourself compassionately simply because you exist? What if you could acknowledge that life isn't just about the things you do or the accomplishments you achieve?
Recognize When You Engage in Self-Criticism
Becoming more compassionate to yourself requires knowing when you're harsh with yourself. Do certain situations or people trigger you to engage in negative self-talk? When is your inner critic in the spotlight? How did you react the last time you made a mistake?
The first step is building your awareness. Instead of becoming defensive or trying to analyze your own self-judgment, just practice sitting with it. How does that anger or shame feel in your body? What thoughts accompany those emotions?
Remind Yourself That Everyone Struggles
In her research and writing, Dr. Neff acknowledges that humans universally experience pain. This phenomenon is known as shared 'common humanity.' In other words, everyone can relate to shame, sadness, fear, or anger.
While there's nothing wrong with feeling how you feel, you may perpetuate more suffering by assuming someone else can't possibly understand your circumstances. With that in mind, engaging in self-pity may exacerbate feeling depressed or isolated.
Instead, try to remind yourself that everyone has or is going through something. Likewise, life doesn't inherently owe you anything. Assuming it does may cause you to become more fixated on your suffering when things go wrong.
Practice Being More Objective When You Make Mistakes
Instead of allowing your inner critic to take over when something goes wrong in life, pause and take a moment. Can you be neutral about what happened?
For example, let's say you got into a small car accident. Your gut instinct may be to blame yourself and ruminate over what you could have done differently.
An objective approach might sound like this: Traffic was heavier than usual. The rain made the road slippery, and I didn't see the car pulling out next to me.
While being neutral doesn't eliminate your feelings, it can help reduce their intensity. Over the long term, this exercise can help you keep things in perspective.
Try Positive Affirmations
How you speak to yourself can directly impact your mood and self-esteem. Practicing positive affirmations can help counter or eliminate negative self-talk. This is a big part of CBT, and these affirmations can support you in being more compassionate towards yourself.
Positive affirmations are simple statements that remind you of your worth. The best affirmations are ones that feel realistic to you. In other words, don't say, I am beautiful if you don't genuinely believe that.
Some helpful self-compassion affirmations are:
I trust that I can sit with my feelings
I believe I will cope with this situation gracefully
I am a good and loving person
I am choosing to accept my circumstance
I sense that all will be okay
I am worthy
It may help to start by writing these messages down. Leave them in a visible place where you can refer to them if you notice yourself becoming self-critical.
Keep in mind that many people find affirmations silly at first. That's because we're essentially programmed to treat ourselves poorly when we make a mistake. But if you truly want to embrace self-compassion, you need to believe in yourself!
Recognize Your Desire For External Validation
Do you ever depend on someone else to make you feel special or loved? You're not alone. We're social creatures, and we certainly rely on others for support. But if you only feel good about yourself based on how others perceive you, you risk acting inauthentically or engaging in people-pleasing behaviors.
Self-compassion means striving to give yourself validation. The next time you look toward someone else for acceptance or approval, go inward. How can you affirm yourself instead?
In most cases, talking to yourself kindly and practicing healthy coping skills can make a meaningful difference.
Embrace More Mindfulness
As you probably know, mindfulness is beneficial for both your mental and physical health. Furthermore, Dr. Neff identifies mindfulness as one of the three components essential for self-compassion.
Meditation is one component of mindfulness, but mindfulness really just means being in the present moment. The next time you feel particularly emotional, stop and take a few deep breaths. Try to notice how your body feels. Pay attention to your thoughts, but don't automatically try to fix or change them.
When you can embrace being in the present moment, you can slow down in life and be more accepting of your circumstances.
Consider How You Would Treat Your Best Friend
Think about the negative script playing in your head during the day. Now imagine using that same critical voice with a friend. You wouldn't dream of doing that!
Treating yourself like your own best friend is a simple exercise, but it's powerful. It allows you to reflect on how you currently talk to yourself, and it encourages you to reflect on how you'd like to treat yourself moving forward.
Accept Being Good Enough
In a world that often focuses on doing it all, self-compassionate people know that perfectionism is completely unrealistic. You are a flawed human, and that isn't a bad thing!
Consider this: Think about some of the happiest people you know. Are they perfect at everything they do? Unlikely!
Instead, they probably "roll with the punches" and accept that life doesn't always go according to plan. They also don't criticize themselves every time they make a mistake.
Remember That Practicing Self-Compassion Is a Lifelong Process
Self-compassion isn't a one-time decision. Self-compassionate people engage in kind, intentional practices regularly. They acknowledge their feelings, but they strive to reduce excess judgment or shame. And most importantly, they recognize that they are worthy because they exist.
So, even if you don't always treat yourself with much self-compassion right now, that doesn't mean you're doomed! Every moment allows you to practice a new way of taking care of yourself.
Final Thoughts
If self-compassion feels challenging, you're not alone. Many people struggle to value themselves, particularly if they've experienced trauma or have a mental illness.
Therapy can improve how you feel. Together, we can explore the barriers affecting your emotional well-being. You will learn how your inner critic shapes thoughts and behavior. You will also learn new ways to care for yourself when you struggle.
Contact me today to get started!
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