When bad things happen, it's normal to feel upset, angry, or afraid. But what speaks to the difficulty so many people experience when good things happen? Why is the change process still hard even when the change is desirable or wanted?
There's no doubt that it can be frustrating to struggle after a positive change. You might not understand why you feel so uncomfortable after, say, landing a great new job or getting married or having a baby. But the reality is that all change affects the typical status quo, and coping with your new reality can be challenging.
Understanding Why Change is Hard
Not all change is hard, but almost all significant change coincides with some uncertainty, insecurity, and even grief. Saying yes to something new means saying no to something else. Once the novelty of a change wears off, you might notice that you feel more anxious or depressed than you did before the change happened.
Here are some reasons why this happens:
You’re Biologically Wired to Resist Change
Our brains are incredibly complex and intelligent. But, at its basic level, the brain is wired to keep you alive. Its key functions are rooted in basic survival, and these survival instincts haven’t necessarily evolved as fast as modern society has evolved!
The more primitive parts of the brain (the limbic brain) take over when it perceives a threat. This is the cycle of the fight-or-flight system. So, even when a positive change happens, the brain may still detect the disruption as problematic. This can explain, on a neurobiological level, why we often feel anxious about change- or why we might sabotage our progress, despite our best efforts.
You May Still Experience FOMO
Sometimes change is hard because you still experience ambivalence after making a certain decision. Let's say you relocated for a dream job, but there's a part of you that's worried a better opportunity was in your previous city. Or you married someone you really loved, but a part of you panics with fear and asks, what if I should have stayed with my ex?
People often contribute social media to FOMO, and while social media may aggravate the effect, FOMO exists regardless of what's happening online. That's because change often reminds us that life exists in shades of gray. There's rarely a perfect decision to be made.
Sometimes you have to trust your intuition or simply make the best choice given the context you have. However, that uncertainty can grow legs into its own form of anxiety.
You Might Feel Guilty
Sometimes positive change triggers guilt. For example, you might feel guilty about the privilege in your life. This may be enhanced if other people you care about don't have the same privileges or benefits you do.
Or, maybe on a subconscious level, you don't believe you deserve good things or can enjoy a successful behavior change. If you struggle with core beliefs of being unlovable or unworthy, you're probably used to feeling negative emotions of guilt, shame, and fear. You may even act in ways that maintain those emotions- to maintain predictable homeostasis.
Finally, some people may either intentionally or unintentionally guilt you for making a change. After putting in your resignation notice, your boss, who highly values your work, might say, Oh no! What are we going to do with you? Even subtle comments may trigger you into feeling poorly about yourself.
You Have Residual Trauma Symptoms
Trauma, particularly if unresolved, can significantly impact how well you integrate change. People with histories of trauma need safety on a fundamental level. This isn't always a conscious need, but they often organize their thoughts and behaviors in a way that prioritizes this security.
With that, change can disrupt your sense of safety. Even holding onto positivity may feel threatening. If you're choosing to make a specific behavior change (set boundaries, meditate more often, go back to school), your trauma history might push back on this type of growth. Your mind and body, in a sense, are used to the traditional status quo, and changing that up often feels unnerving.
You’re Afraid Something Bad Will Happen
Positive change can sometimes be triggering because holding onto success or happiness feels vulnerable. If you experience anxiety, you're probably used to waiting for the other shoe to drop.
With that, even just going about your daily routine can make you feel a sense of dread or angst. There's this underlying fear that daily life can be upended at any given moment.
Sometimes this fear becomes more pronounced when things are going well. You're suddenly more aware that you can't always control if bad things happen, and your brain might start to imagine all the potential catastrophes.
Your Identity Has Changed
Most significant, sustainable change entails some form of identity transformation, whether that's in the form of a new job, location, relationship, or mindset. And while this can feel exciting, it can also feel stressful. You're inexperienced with what this change feels like, and most people don't feel comfortable when they're a novice at something!
A person's identity often changes many times throughout a lifetime. But each change process is unique and significant, and you don't always know how it will impact you until you're actually going through it.
How Therapy Can Help You Make (Or Accept) Important Changes
Life is never stagnant, but that doesn't mean it's easy to integrate or embrace change. Sometimes it subconsciously feels easier to accept a level of uncertainty (or even discomfort) over the risk of failure, loss, or rejection. These reactions are normal, but they can be challenging.
If you feel torn about making an important decision, therapy can help you understand your ambivalence. This often means gently exploring the barriers keeping you stuck. While I can't tell you what to do, I'm here to support you in your growth process.
And if you're struggling in the aftermath of making a successful change, therapy can also provide support, guidance, and compassion. Above all, you deserve to enjoy good things. But if this is a real struggle for you, I am here to help. Contact me today to schedule a consultation.
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