All couples experience stress in their relationship, and conflict is expected even in the healthiest dynamics. That said, many couples struggle to express their needs and emotions with their partners. Instead, they often become hostile, critical, or passive-aggressive without realizing the true impact of their behavior.
Gottman's Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is a metaphor that depicts how problems in relationships mirror the 'end of times' described in the New Testament. Let's get into how these horsemen may be affecting you.
Photo by Mayur Gala on Unsplash
Understanding the Four Horsemen in Relationships
John Gottman is a world-famous couples therapist known for his extensive research about relationship satisfaction, marital stability, and divorce. His groundbreaking studies have resulted in his ability to predict divorce with over 90% accuracy.
After observing thousands of couples, Gottman narrowed down four specific negative patterns people engage in during conflict. They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
Criticism
Criticism can sound like this:
"You never listen to me."
"You don't care about our family."
"You don't take responsibility for your mistakes."
Contempt
Contempt is a deeper and more insidious form of criticism. When you are contemptuous, you are consciously spiteful towards your partner. Contempt can come in many forms, including sarcasm, passive aggression, name-calling, eye-rolling, and gaslighting. Continuous contempt mirrors a pattern of emotional abuse.
Contempt can sound like this:
"Hmm. I wouldn't have done it that way..."
"You're tired? Who was the one that had to work twelve hours today?"
"I'll just do it. If I rely on you to do it, it won't get done."
In his work with thousands of couples, Gottman's research found that contempt is the most significant predictor of divorce.
Defensiveness
Defensiveness is a common coping strategy used to avoid responsibility and shift blame. People can become defensive in response to criticism. But some people respond defensively to any perceived attack, even if the feedback is constructive or supportive.
When you're defensive, you focus on trying to prove why you're "right" in a conflict. Defensive statements can sound like:
"I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings, but you're being really sensitive."
"I don't see why this is even a big deal."
"I only did that because I thought that's what you wanted!"
Stonewalling
Stonewalling can happen when a partner feels emotionally overwhelmed during a conflict. Instead of talking about how they feel, they withdraw.
When you stonewall someone, you shut down. For example, you may respond with one-word answers or stop talking altogether. This reaction usually triggers more anxiety for your partner and can prolong the conflict.
Stonewalling can look like this:
Giving the silent treatment when you feel frustrated
Muttering under your breath with comments like “whatever” when your partner speaks
Changing the subject altogether
What Should You Do If You Engage In The Four Horsemen?
Does engaging in any of these communication patterns mean your relationship is doomed? Not at all! Nobody is perfect, and it's possible to improve how you relate to your partner. Developing insight is the first step toward making positive changes.
Fortunately, there are behavioral antidotes for each of these horsemen. Using these antidotes can improve how you manage conflict and relate to one another.
Here are some tips to consider:
Engage in gentle start-ups: One antidote to criticism is changing how you approach conflict. For example, instead of jumping in with a direct complaint, consider using an I-statement like, I felt upset when you didn’t call me when you were running late, and I want to talk about it. Is dinner a good time? This method takes responsibility for your emotions instead of blaming your partner. This is a healthier way to communicate your needs.
Practice expressing gratitude often: Highlight your partner's strengths regularly. Building a culture of appreciation benefits both of you. The Gottman Institute calls this the 5:1 magic ratio. In his research, Gottman found that healthy couples have at least five positive interactions for every one negative interaction.
Accept responsibility for your actions: If you struggle with defensiveness, try to prioritize increasing personal accountability. It's hard to recognize making mistakes, but shifting blame onto your partner only perpetuates more conflict. Remind yourself that you don't have to be perfect to be a loving, compassionate person.
Take a break if you need it: During a perceived threat, the body releases stress hormones. But when you're that flooded, you risk saying or doing things you might later regret. Consider taking a break if you feel overwhelmed. Instead of stonewalling your partner, let them know you need a few minutes to decompress before you return to the conversation.
Acknowledge when your partner takes steps in the right direction: If you notice your partner consciously trying to improve how they approach conflict, acknowledge their efforts. Thank them for being willing to reflect and grow. Change doesn't happen overnight, but you two are on a team, and the goal should be to be as united as possible.
Apologize if and when you engage in any of the four horsemen: Taking responsibility can significantly improve your relationship's long-term health. Aim to call out your problematic behaviors as soon as you notice them. For example, you might say, I realize I was defensive just now. I am genuinely sorry for that.
Continue prioritizing healthy communication: Communication doesn't just matter during times of conflict. Ideally, the more you two can assert your needs, respect one another, and practice vulnerability in daily conversation, the more supported you will both feel.
Seek your own support: You may project blame onto your partner if you have unresolved anxiety, trauma, or past experiences of toxic relationship dynamics. If this is the case, working with an individual therapist may be helpful. Doing so can help you understand your triggers and develop healthier coping strategies for managing stress.
How Couples Therapy Can Help
Even if you both have the best intentions, relationships and marriage are hard. Couples therapy provides a safe, supportive environment to work through relationship issues.
The Four Horsemen can be insidious. Relationship patterns often feel unconscious, and it's normal for people to resort to ineffective communication styles when they feel stressed or trapped. Subsequently, changing unwanted behaviors takes effort and dedication.
In therapy, I help couples using the Gottman Method as my primary framework. This evidence-based method is based on extensive research designed to help you enhance your friendship, manage conflict, and create shared meaning.
Together, we can strengthen your relationship and learn healthier communication strategies. Contact me today to schedule your consultation.
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