Boundaries- it's the trending buzzword that's on everyone's radar. People seem to be all about boundaries lately, or at least that's what they claim.
And you logistically know why they're important. You can probably even identify a relationship (or several) where more boundary-setting might be necessary.
And yet, there's often a profound fear of setting these limits. Maybe you, like so many people, identify as a people-pleaser. Perhaps you worry about hurting the people you love the most.
Implementing healthy boundaries might feel so anxiety-provoking that you simply find yourself avoiding them altogether. Or, you may convince yourself the relationship is fine and that you're entirely overreacting.
Setting healthy boundaries is hard, and there's no way to sugarcoat that. But enforcing reasonable limits is also one of the most valuable ways of boosting your self-esteem, improving your emotional health, and strengthening your relationships.
Understanding Why Setting Boundaries Triggers Anxiety
Why does something so good for our mental health often feel so bad?
The answer, in many ways, comes down to basic neuroscience. We're wired to maximize pleasure and avoid pain, which explains why we often prefer a consistent state of homeostasis.
When we feel anxious, our amygdala triggers the fight, flight, or freeze response. This is rooted in our survival instincts, and it's a primitive reaction to fear. The amygdala is responsible for that hypervigilant, anxious feeling you have when you get stressed.
Let's go over some of the fears:
Fear of Not Being Taken Seriously or Listened To
Maybe you tried to set boundaries in the past. But instead of respecting your needs, the other person just ignored you. Or maybe you worry that you won't have the confidence to really assert your needs.
Anxiety can distort your ability to trust your intuition or believe in your own worth. For this reason, setting a healthy boundary may seem intimidating because you assume people won't really care about your needs.
Fear of Being Disliked or Abandoned
This assumption goes beyond feeling like people won't care about your needs. This fear comes down to assuming that personal boundaries will actively create tension in your relationships.
People with this fear often try to keep the peace with others instead of asserting their needs. You don't want to cause problems or make anything seem like a big deal. The fear of being rejected feels greater than your discomfort of being disrespected.
Fear of Regretting the Boundary
Sometimes, people feel anxious that they will later change their minds about a particular boundary. They might believe it's just easier to keep things 'as is,' because there is a fear that disrupting the status quo will result in immense chaos.
Fear of Being Able to Uphold the Boundary
Maybe you understand that boundaries are important, but you don't trust yourself to implement what you say. This makes sense. You can know something is good for us, while also recognizing that it's challenging to do the right thing.
Fear of Ending the Relationship
Similar to the fear of abandonment, people sometimes avoid setting boundaries because doing so means confronting a painful truth. For example, part of you might want to deny the reality of a particularly dysfunctional relationship. Setting healthy boundaries requires you to be honest in your analysis of this relationship, and it makes sense to fear that.
Fear of Retaliation
The fear of retaliation is most prevalent in relationships where abuse is present. Unfortunately, this worry is valid, and abusers can react erratically or dangerously when presented with any form of emotional boundaries.
Most of the time, overcoming this fear means exiting the relationship altogether. Abusers rarely respect boundaries, even if they claim they will. If you need immediate support, contact the National Domestic Abuse Hotline for free, confidential assistance.
How to Cope With the Anxiety of Setting Boundaries
Some people want to know how to set boundaries without feeling guilty or afraid.
Although this is a virtuous goal, it just isn't very realistic. Many times, personal boundaries entail some degree of awkwardness. Doing the work entails recognizing that awkwardness and moving through it, anyway.
Here are some other strategies for managing your intense feelings:
Practice Saying the Boundary Aloud
What do the best public speakers have in common? Research shows it isn't their raw talent; it's their desire to practice, practice, practice.
Rehearing boundaries may feel strange and even silly at first. But if some of the most skilled speakers swear by practicing their speeches ahead of time, it's worth giving this technique a try. Practice can help you feel more confident and prepared when the moment arrives.
Associate Yourself With People Who Set Boundaries Well
If you have difficulties stating or holding boundaries, there's a good chance that the issue started in childhood. Boundary problems are often intergenerational, meaning your family members may not have modeled this skill for you.
And as we grow up, we often recreate what's familiar to us. Therefore, setting boundaries may not just feel uncomfortable. It may seem downright foreign.
Spending time with people who communicate clearly and value honest, authentic relationships can positively influence you. The opposite is also true. If you keep spending time around people who don't implement boundaries- or who only have weak boundaries- that becomes your sense of normal.
Revisit Your Beliefs About Boundaries
Boundaries are often harsh. People who love me should know how to respect my personal space. Nobody is going to listen to what I have to say, anyway.
Anxiety often comes from rigid or global beliefs about how we think the world should operate. Consider if you hold any of the following biases about setting boundaries:
Loved ones should always treat me well: Many of us hold this assumption. And while we absolutely should treat our loved ones respectfully and kindly, the definition of 'treating us well' is largely subjective. The reality is that nobody can read your mind, and even the people who love us most also hurt us.
In loving, authentic relationships, boundaries are obvious: You may hold onto the fantasy that people who really love you can read your mind and intuit what you want on a given basis. In real life, this just isn't true. Your partner or friends may know you very well, but that doesn't mean they automatically know your needs or preferences! In relationships, boundary issues often emerge when one person assumes the other person should know what they need.
Boundaries are selfish: Some people associate boundaries with harsh, inflexible limits. But healthy boundaries are simply assertive. In some cases, there's even room for collaboration and flexibility. People who set boundaries value their self-worth and take control over dealing with their own problems in relationships.
Boundaries mean telling someone what to do: Boundaries actually focus on you telling someone what you're going to do. When you set a healthy boundary, you highlight your actions in response to a specific behavior.
Separate Your Feelings From Your Needs
Maybe you feel guilty, ashamed, or afraid of setting boundaries. Labeling those emotions and recognizing how they influence your thoughts and behaviors can be valuable.
But, it's also important to remind yourself that there is a vast space between a stimulus and your response. The stimulus refers to any issue within your relationship with someone else. Your response is how you intentionally choose to react.
In other words, even if you feel a certain way, you don't have to let that emotion dictate your response. With that, don't expect to feel motivated or excited to set a difficult boundary. You may always feel nervous or ambivalent. Separating your emotions from what you need to do may reduce their intensity.
Clarify Your Relationship Values
It's an unfortunate truth, people often tolerate what they subconsciously believe they deserve. Or they tolerate what feels most familiar.
Poor boundaries can be intergenerational, and they may represent a trauma response that's been passed down to you. That isn't your fault, but you can spend some time reflecting on how you want your relationships to look.
Clarifying your relationship values entails reflecting on what you most care about in your personal relationships. What do you enjoy in other people? What does an ideal or productive relationship look like to you? Finally, what is nonnegotiable in your intimate relationships? And if a partner crosses a nonnegotiable boundary, how do you want to react?
Seek Emotional Support From Others
If you feel ambivalent about setting a boundary with a particular individual, consider soliciting feedback from others. Talk about a limit you want to set and ask for a trusted loved one's honest opinion about it.
Seeking support is beneficial because it allows you to identify the need for setting boundaries in daily life. It also helps you discern realistic expectations in relationships. Finally, people who have your best interest at heart can help motivate you to strengthen weak boundaries.
Practice Mindfulness
Mindfulness allows people to experience more clarity about the difficult obstacles they face in life. Additionally, mindfulness is associated with improved emotional regulation, better self-awareness, more empathy, and decreased emotional reactivity.
The next time you start feeling overwhelmed, stop for a moment. Take a deep breath and reorient yourself. Consider any negative thoughts or body sensations that arise. Think about what you might need for self-care if you feel particularly anxious.
Mindfulness can also help you recognize when you need to set a boundary. Being more attuned to your body, for instance, may reveal that you tighten up every time you're around your mother.
Recognize It Takes Practice
Setting boundaries is like any other interpersonal skill. Doing it well requires intention and practice. The first few times you set a boundary may feel uncomfortable.
Over time, you'll develop a 'feel' for boundary issues with intuition for implementing personal boundaries for yourself and others.
Remember the Big Picture
People don't set boundaries to be cruel or vindictive.
Instead, consider that boundary-setting is an act of self-love. Boundaries protect your integrity and allow you to form healthy relationships with others.
People with high self-esteem recognize and look after their needs as part of their self-care. Despite their fears, they set clear boundaries. Their boundaries let others treat them the way they want to be treated, and this often makes everyone feel safer and happier.
So, the next time self-doubt or anxiety starts creeping in, remind yourself this: I am allowed to have my needs and limits. I have to look after them. People who love me want to know what I need.
Practice Smaller, Safer Boundaries
People often focus on the "big" boundaries they need to set. And then they get overwhelmed by the seemingly monumental task.
But because boundaries often require practice, you may want to consider experimenting with smaller boundaries first. For example, let's say you're experiencing mild workplace burnout. If the big boundary is telling your boss that you will no longer be available to answer emails over the weekend, the smaller boundary might be telling your coworker that you don't have time to help with their project.
This is not to say you should ignore the big boundaries. It's simply to suggest that mastering smaller limits can help you build the confidence to tackle larger ones.
Accept that Some Anxiety Will Exist
There's something powerful about acknowledging the inevitability of anxiety. When you no longer fight your feelings, you learn to make peace with them.
Of course, you don't have to like feeling anxious. Most people don't!
But when you learn how to unconditionally accept how you feel- without trying to change yourself- the experience often feels less intense. Over time, this practice allows you to be more mindful of your thoughts, feelings, and needs, and it can help you practice more kindness towards yourself and others.
What If Someone Doesn't Respect Boundaries?
Unfortunately, not everyone appreciates boundaries. Despite your best efforts to communicate clearly, some people will disregard or argue with you. Here's how you can best respond:
Expect Pushback and Defensiveness
In an ideal world, your loved ones would respect your limits automatically and unconditionally. But real life is far more nuanced, and friends and family members can become offended or hostile when presented with new boundaries.
The fear of defensiveness often perpetuates anxiety. But, instead of trying to suppress that fear, consider making room for it. Allow it to be present without so much judgment or angst. Remember that your fear is your body's way of detecting danger- even if the danger isn't inherently life-threatening.
Practice Compassion
It's hard to know your boundaries can hurt or anger someone. Despite this pain, try to practice self-compassion for yourself.
It can be helpful to remind yourself of the following affirmations:
I have a right to take care of my own needs.
I no longer want people to take advantage of me.
I will not tolerate someone else's guilt trip.
I deserve respect in all my relationships.
Setting emotional boundaries is an act of self-love.
I will healthily practice self-compassion regardless of how others respond.
Disengage As Needed
It's not always possible to avoid a disrespectful person or all the people who bother you entirely. But that doesn't mean you have to disregard your boundaries.
Instead, consider reevaluating the emotional intimacy within your relationship.
Disengagement usually entails being choosier in which topics you choose to discuss.
For example, maybe you decide to no longer tell your best friend about your dating life because you no longer want to hear her judgmental opinions. Or, perhaps, you stop talking about family dynamics with your sister because it always results in a fight.
Remember that no limit is inherently set in stone. You can revisit and change emotional boundaries at any time. But if someone keeps violating your limits, and ending the relationship is out of the question, reassess which information you choose to share.
Additionally, it can be helpful to set other disengagement boundaries, including:
having an exit strategy during social settings
being direct about which topics you will or will not discuss
having a code word with another trusted loved one that indicates you need support
only interacting with them during specific times or at particular locations
Focus On What You Can Control
Boundary distress often comes from disproportionally focusing on the other person's reaction. When this happens, you become so worried about upsetting someone else that you don't focus on your own needs or feelings.
No matter what does or doesn't happen, you can't control other people. You can, however, control your response.
Remember that you can't dictate someone else's mental well-being. And even if you're the most generous, loving person in the world, that doesn't inherently guarantee a great relationship!
Consider What Is (And Isn't Negotiable)
Healthy relationships require a mutual sense of trust and safety. Within these relationships, both parties have personal boundaries, even if they aren't stated explicitly.
Only you can know what's nonnegotiable for you. For example, blatant physical or emotional abuse often warrants ending the relationship altogether. But even if you have just a strong sense of anger or anxiety around someone, that may indicate needing to reevaluate your dynamic.
How Therapy Can Help You Set Healthy Boundaries
Your relationships directly impact your emotional well-being. If you continuously feel taken advantage of, disrespected, or annoyed with others, there's a good chance you can benefit from setting boundaries in your relationships.
I recognize and honor the difficulty of this work. Boundaries can feel scary and exhaustive, and you may resent needing to set them. You might worry about rejection or loneliness or abandonment. These fears are entirely normal, and therapy can help you cope with these challenging feelings.
That said, maintaining boundaries is an integral part of your mental health. Moving through this anxiety can help you appreciate yourself and your relationships at a deeper level.
Contact me today to get started!
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